Meditation For An Autism Mom

This is not my fault.

I am doing the best I can, which means acknowledging that it will never feel like enough. I am only human.

I am gaining patience, resilience, wisdom and strength. I don't see it; I don't necessarily feel it; but it's true. It just has to be true.

My home is a disaster - whether due to my Tasmanian devil child, diminishing time and money, or pure, unprecedented exhaustion (or a combination thereof). I must learn to care less.

I have lost sight of my identity, my friends, my professional drive, and my peace because I am laser-focused on my child's well-being and future readiness. Still, I can take baby steps for my own sanity. For example, today, maybe I'll shower.

I find myself saying and doing things I never imagined due to my child's absurd, unpredictable behavior, interests and needs. I want to cry on many occasions; but it always feels better to laugh.

I am overwhelmed by the seemingly infinite cures, therapies, medications, treatments and diets that I am told will help my child. Some will help; others won't. We'll unapologetically do what works best for us, when it works for us - holistically, logistically and practically.

Each year, I will continue to search for the perfect school scenario for my child; nothing will ever fit quite right. I will take it day by day, year by year.

I am my child's best advocate. I will trust my instincts. I will consult with professionals, doctors, teachers and psychologists; but mostly I have to learn to trust myself.

I will feel judged. Sometimes, I really am being judged, so I should grow a thicker skin. More important, however, I am judging myself, and I need to learn to be kinder to myself.

It Could Always Be Worse

When you think things are bad, when you feel sour and blue,when you start to get mad…you should do what I do!

Just tell yourself, Duckie, you’re really quite lucky!
Some people are much more…
oh, ever so much more…
oh, muchly much-much more

unlucky than you!

 ---Dr. Seuss, Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?

As a follow-up to my recent "Why Me?" post, I must share this nugget from a favorite childhood book of mine. Of course, re-reading it to my son 20-odd years later in my own chaotic household would prove even more meaningful.

Based on a beloved Yiddish folktale, Margot Zemach's It Could Always Be Worse comes straight out of the "old country." It starts out with a very poor man lamenting about his oh-so-hard life, living in a crowded, one-room hut with a large, noisy family. He can't take it anymore, so he consults the village rabbi for advice on how to stop the insanity!

The esoteric rabbi has fabulous ideas. First, he advises him to bring all of his chickens into the house, as well. Oy Vey! The man is somewhat skeptical, but he complies. Turns out - don't be shocked - the chickens did not help matters at all. So, a few days later, the downtrodden man revisited his rabbi for more advice, only to be told by him - the wisest man in the village - that the family should also bring the goat inside to live with them. He sure does, and a few days later, the cycle is repeated and in comes the cow. 

Most households don't actually look like this,
but on many days, they might feel exactly like this.
We don't know what goes on behind closed doors! 

The man has come to the end of his rope, and begs the rabbi for help (mercy), once again. Finally, the sage spiritual leader advises the poor guy to release all of the animals back to their outdoor homes, leaving only the man and his human family in the small shack - right back where he started.

But guess what? That night, the grateful man slept more peacefully than ever. His home felt like the village mansion! Yes, boys and girls, he learned an oft-forgotten lesson:

It could always be worse.

Inevitably, some of you out there have it better than I, and some of you sadly not. However, no matter how full your plate or how heavy your heart, we have to remember to appreciate what we do have because it really could always be worse. 

If we don't believe that, I'm afraid, life has a way of proving it over and over again.

It’s a troublesome world. 

All the people who’re in it
are troubled with troubles almost every minute.
You ought to be thankful, a whole heaping lot,
for the places and people you’re lucky you’re not!

-- Dr. Seuss