My Whac-A-Mole Life: humor   

The One With The Bad Metaphor (In Which I Compare Special Needs Parenting to Candy Crush)

Forrest Gump famously compared life to a box of chocolates. Well, less famously and with a much longer, convoluted explanation, I'm telling you that special needs parenting is like a game of Candy Crush.

 Candy Crush Saga, for the uninitiated, is your basic "match three" game available on Facebook, the web, iDevices, Droids and probably outer space. It has a few twists, however, that have managed to capture the zeitgeist of low-tech gamers and harbored addiction in many circles (See Top 10 Signs You and Your Friends are Addicted to Candy Crush).

 As I wait the requisite 30 minutes for a new "life," I pontificate on how the developers over at King.com captured special needs parenting in these colorful, little candy wrappers.

 So you get these five lives and you are trying to complete levels with specific challenges and limited moves available. When you run out of moves before achieving your goal, you lose a life. You can wait for a new one; buy one (no way); or ask your friends to help.

 It's damn hard doing this alone. While it can be hard to ask for help sometimes - you don't want to impose; they won't understand; you just asked yesterday - this stuff is nearly impossible without a village (see Meditation for an Autism Mom). The best of friends know you are struggling. They send "life" before you have to ask. Maybe it's in the form of a funny text, or a quick call, or a night out...but it's extremely re-energizing, especially if you've been having a particularly tough, level 65 kind of week.

 Some people (I've noticed it's mostly men, incidentally) refuse to connect their game to Facebook. Are they ashamed? Do they prefer keeping things private? Perhaps they don't want to deal with any questions or public scrutiny. Regardless, they will not be able to ask anyone for help and they will, perhaps even unknowingly, face increased frustration as they run out of life (or end up spending lots of in-app purchase money). 

 Either way, Candy Crush Saga requires lots of attention. Our other games miss us. Scramble With Friends actually resigned a few games on our account, abandoned.  "What happened to you," our friends ask? Well, I miss my old self too, but let's face it, the Candy owns me now. It's not better. It's not necessarily worse. It's just different.

 It might be more demanding than some games (although have you ever had to take care of a digital fish tank it or pet shop? Just sayin'), but did you know that every seventh person in Hong Kong plays Candy Crush? Google it. If it's that prevalent, perhaps we should spend more energy on tolerance and inclusion, rather than trying to fight it.

 The sweets get ugly sometimes, I know. Players tend to curse, gasp, misbehave and might even throw an iPad across the room. OF COURSE we know that's not appropriate behavior, but sometimes our frustrations get the better of us. Perhaps even more so when our candy has left us sleep-deprived, gluten-dependent and speechless.

 On the game's level map, we see all our friends' avatars way, way, ahead of us. We notice this when we're stuck on a particularly irritating level. We wonder, how did they get so far? Was it easier for them? Did the Candy Crush gods give them more color bombs? We must catch up!

We must remember to control that jealousy and resentment. We can't ever know what's going on behind closed doors. Maybe it's because they are up all night with a reckless, child insomniac. Maybe they spent lots of money and are now bankrupt. Maybe they've been playing for a very long time. Our level can be just as fulfilling, even if it's not exactly what you expected. Holland has windmills...and tulips!

 As you do master a level, the euphoria can be short-lived because there's always another level ahead! New, unexpected challenges come out of nowhere. Exploding chocolate? Barriers? I thought I had this all figured out!
Sad Heart. Send Lives!
Well, just like those futile times when you only have a few moves left and you know you're not going to make it, you still have to slide those candies around and ride it out. You'll get re-energized and try again. Maybe in 30 minutes. Maybe tomorrow. 

 Don't fight it. Yes, there are plenty of people out there who have never discovered Candy Crush (gasp). Or they haven't been lured into its frustratingly satisfying lair. Maybe they're content with their non-dependent lives, and they tell us in superior tones, "I'll just stick with Bejeweled, thank you very much."

 True, our Candy Crush existence might be grueling at times, but I like to think we're better for it. We have demonstrated strategy, perseverance, tolerance and good humor.

 We appreciate the sweet stuff so much more when it's that harder to attain. We celebrate every small success - the jelly is gone! - and know that they truly can never, ever understand unless they're right there in the candy trenches with us.
Nom nom nom! 

***So, how many of you think I need a Candyvention right around now?
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Wordless (As Possible) Wednesday (Or Thereabouts): Personalized Whac-A-Mole Game

Uh, guys? I'm rarely "Wordless" and it's the opposite of Wednesday. (I think it's Saturday - so we can pretend this is really early or really late. I think we all know the obvious answer.)

So this, THIS new product from Hammacher Schlemmer*:


 And it gets better! Here's the description:
The Personalized Whac-A-Mole Game
This is the Whac-A-Mole game that can be personalized to replace the standard mole heads with molded caricatures using pictures of members of your family, past managers, boyfriends/girlfriends, or any desired combination of personalities. The game operates exactly like the ones found in amusement parks and carnivals--five mole heads pop up randomly while you attempt to bash each with a mallet for points--but this one comes in a walnut veneer cabinet (with hardwood inlays) that automatically opens and closes at the touch of a button from the included remote. When closed, the game assumes the form of a bookshelf, but when commanded to open, both halves swing open to reveal the game, complete with full-color artwork. A storage shelf for your preferred beverages sits above the game, so libation is always at an arm's reach.
I mean...Wow! Awesome, right? Just one itty bitty concern: It's $35,000! So yeah, if you're into this sort of thing, you might stick with the poor-man's version and just paste little color printouts of your nemeses on the critters in the Toys R Us version...maybe with a Pabst stored in a nearby milk carton for the full effect.

Or how about my "free" version: play it virtual reality style. Every Single Day. In Real Life. So where's my $35,000? 

 * I am receiving no compensation, freebies, trades, publicity or even a note of thanks from this company in return for this post. Natch. (If you ask me, that's just wrong.)
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Ten Things I Learned From Pop Music in 2012

My family spends lots of time on the road driving to/from schools, therapies, crazyland (see Tales From the Minivan). We listen to hand-picked CDs, yes, but the kids also really like current, pop music. We treat ourselves to commercial-free, satellite radio, and we definitely get our money's worth.

The thing is, however, while my daughter and I pretty much just dig the tunes and belt out (with varying degrees of accuracy and success) whatever words we think we hear, my analytic son - so I've learned - listens and thinks about the ACTUAL LYRICS. And, naturally, he has follow-up questions. Many of them.

As a result, I've taken "Last Friday Night" out of the mix for good. As another result (and courtesy of an awesome writing prompt from Stasha and company) you get this list. Happy Monday!
10 THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM POP MUSIC IN 2012:

1. Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) is a super-fun song...but much less fun once you have to explain the lyrics to an 11-year-old: "menage a trois? Hmm, I think she's saying a bunch to draw or I munched crudite ... OH LOOK, Gangnam Style is on. Let's turn it up now."
2. Songs are much better when no one can understand a word. All hail Gangnam Style.
3. We're sad to hear about Kelly Clarkson's divorce. You know, because "the bed feels warmer, sleeping here alone." Her husband is no longer sleeping at home. Obviously. Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You).
4. Flippant songs can be exhausting. Who knew that We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together would require hours of follow-up discussion?
    • Why someone would write such a mean song
    • Breakups in general and why they might not be friendly
    • Well, if they weren't married, why would she not understand if he was seeing other people. Isn't that the definition of dating?
    • Why would you date exclusively but not get married?
    • Well, then why would he want to get back together?
    • You're right, "no" does mean "no," but...
    • And so on...
5. Girls can be so silly. Just pick up the phone and call him already. Or text him. Or move on. Sheesh! (See Call Me Maybe and Brokenhearted).
6. Adam Levine doesn't sound very reliable. Glad he didn't say "stick a needle in my eye too"...because if he's already said it a million times, he's broken lots of promises and lost credibility. Just saying. (See One More Night.)
7. Still, Maroon 5 does serve an educational purpose. They taught my children two "new" words: Payphone and Jagger.
8. Nicki Minaj sings a very cool song about aliens: Starships. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  (Please please please don't Google the lyrics!)
9. Against all odds, I've gained an appreciation for the grating tracks of Kidz Bop despite (and exactly because of) lyrics like "I love to dance next to you baby" which curiously replace lyrics like "I love to make love to you baby." (See Dance Again).
10. Finally, sure We Are Young, but we're definitely OVER 21... because, you know, all that drinking and falling down and stuff.



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Did I Say That? *Autism Edition*

This week's writing prompt from Mama Kat over at Mama's Losin' It was too good to pass up: Write a list of 10 things you have said to your kids that other moms might not say.

You know, those times when something comes out of your mouth with your super-serious parent voice and you suddenly realize how absurd you sound? (It was warranted, trust me, you just had to be there.) Yep, those. Oh, but I did modify the assignment a bit:
    • First, I enlisted the help of some friends - because think of how great it turned out when we collaborated on our list of -INATORS. (Plus, I didn't have to write it all myself.)
    • I narrowed the focus: Welcome to the AUTISM EDITION.
    • I didn't stop at 10. You're welcome.

SENSORY EXPLORATION (where licking emerged as a common theme)

MANAGING STIMS AND OBSESSIONS

RIGIDITY (with compassion for Glass Half Full)

  • I'm sorry I put your milk on the right side of your plate instead of the left. Stop screaming at me. - Glass Half Full
  • I'm sorry I didn't put your socks on at the same exact moment you wanted them on. Stop screaming at me. - Glass Half Full
  • I know you hate people, sweetheart. I hate them too, but they have to be dealt with. - Pancakes Gone Awry
  • I know you hate utensils, but you can't throw forks across your classroom. It's just not safe! - Glass Half Full
  • I don't care that you think it's stupid, you have to do it, anyway. Life is full of stupid things. Get used to it. -- Woulda Shoulda Coulda
  • Who ate all the bottoms out of the bag of hamburger buns? - Yeah. Good Times.

Mama’s Losin’ It FROM OUR FACEBOOK PAGE: 


 Thank you to all of these contributors. Got some good ones of your own? We wanna see! Please comment and share below.

 ***For more autism parent humor (is that a thing?), check out: You Might Be An Autism Parent If...
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The -INATORS

Whatchadoin?

We're watching a lot of Phineas and Ferb this summer. I'm not complaining (much) since it's scads better than our Month of Teletubbies; or the Decade of Dora; or our Year of "Here Come The 123s" (which started out just fine but, wow, it got tiresome after a few months).

So, for those of you not familiar with our little Disney Channel friends, here's what you need to know. Phineas and Ferb are clever little inventors trying to keep busy during their 104 days of summer vacation. Perry, their pet platypus, is Secret Agent P - deployed by the O.W.C.A. (Organization Without a Cool Acronym) - to thwart Mad Scientist Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz (of Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc.).

Now, in each episode, Doofenshmirtz conceives of a scheme or invention, usually dubbed something-"Inator", which is intended to help him take over America's Tri-State area (not the world, mind you, because he's not greedy).

The expert folks over at the Phineas and Ferb Wiki (yup) describe the -inators as "typically grandiose in scope, involving a complicated solution instead of applying a simpler, more practical method. The motivation behind their development is typically a need to exact revenge for an unpleasant incident in his life, or to resolve a situation that annoys him." Naturally, something always goes wrong, and no, it wouldn't have anything to do with the built-in, self-destruct buttons.

In homage to our Summer of Phineas and Ferb, I, and some bloggy, autism-parent friends, have brainstormed some INATORS that we think would help us dominate our own homes. That's right, just our very own homes. Are we asking too much? Yes. Yes we are.

Household Helpers
  • Lunch-Make-Inator automatically assembles lunches with the designated number of chicken nuggets (counted meticulously); packed with the correct juice flavor of the day and switched out instantly (regardless of what's in the fridge) when minds are changed; and placed without fail into the RIGHT kid's backpack.
  • Lego-Disappear-Clean-Up-Inator --Patty Porch-Hooper, Pancakes Gone Awry
  • Door-Lock-Inator makes gates, locks and alarms magically appear to block access to all things dangerous, fragile or off-limits.
  • De-Shitify-The-House-Inator --Tim, Both Hands and a Flashlight  
  • Wife-Inator (because I need a wife to help with appointments, paperwork and household tasks.) --Amanda Griffiths, Confessions From HouseholdSix
Sanity Savers
  • It's-4-O'Clock-Somewhere-Inator makes the perfect adult beverage --Kelly Hafer, Unplanned Trip To Holland 
  • Screaming-Kid-In-Car-So-Let-Me-In-Your-Lane-Jerk-Inator clears the path instantly
  • Spit-It-Out-Inator (aka the Not-For-Mouth-Inator) --Jennie B., Anybody Want a Peanut?
  • Divide-The-Parking-Lot-Like-the-Red-Sea-Inator keeps kids safe whether they meander, bump, or tantrum in a heap on the ground
  • Change-The-Song-Inator instantly changes whatever theme song/toy jingle/etc. to something tolerable. --Jennie B., Anybody Want a Peanut?
  • Sleep-Inject-Inator --Tim, Both Hands and a Flashlight
    aka  Fast-Asleep-Inator --Flannery, The Connor Chronicles
  • Caffeine-Inator to quickly give tired parents a jolt--Alysia, Try Defying Gravity
  • De-Script-Inator to stop the endless loop --Flannery, The Connor Chronicles
    aka Echolalia-Inator which stops the incessant repetition for a few moments. --Patty Porch-Hooper, Pancakes Gone Awry
  • Calm-Inator -Jennie B., Anybody Want a Peanut?
  • Groom-Inator (for instant cleaning of teeth, nails, etc) -- Jennie B., Anybody Want a Peanut?
  • Sniff-Inator (Alex has been sniffing things) --Lizbeth Cole, Four Sea Stars
  • Mom-Inator - they already did this episode, but clone me so I can be in three places at once. --Alysia, Try Defying Gravity
  • Monopoly-Inator to make it go away for me --Lizbeth Cole, Four Sea Stars (Lizbeth's son is OBSESSED with beating his mother at Monopoly)
  • I-Thing-Duplicator (or Special-Interest-Maker) for those times when just one won't do. --Lizbeth Cole, Four Sea Stars (*Lizbeth failed to follow the "inator" rule of this game, but we'll let it go because, well, it's Lizbeth.)
  • Squishy-Hug-Inator for those needing deep pressure --Alysia, Try Defying Gravity
  • Thanks-For-Sharing-Captain-Obvious-Inator because Ted constantly tells us the obvious --Kelly Hafer, Unplanned Trip To Holland
  • Answer-Question-Inator provides the exact answer Jacob expects to hear when he asks his questions over and over again --Varda (SquashedMom), The Squashed Bologna
  • Fairy-Godmother-Inator to make all his impossible wishes come true --I'm Looking For Blue Sky
  • Poop-Goes-In-The-Pot-Inator to instantly render Ted potty trained --Kelly Hafer, Unplanned Trip To Holland
Educate and Advocate Assistants
  • Stop-Staring-It's-Autism-What's-Your-Problem-Elim-Inator
  • Aware-Inator that spreads awareness and acceptance all over the Tri-State area. This one does not have a self-destruct button! --Alysia, Try Defying Gravity
  • IEP-Inator/Due-Process-Inator/Services-Inator --Patty Porch-Hooper, Pancakes Gone Awry
  • Fill-Out-All-These-Effing-Forms-Inator --Tim, Both Hands and a Flashlight
  • Talk-To-The-Hand-Inator for people offering stupid advice --Tim, Both Hands and a Flashlight
See, this is fun, right? Share your ideas below or you know what we'll have to do.
Say it with me, now: "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"
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You Might Be An Autism Parent If...

What the heck am I talking about? Not sure much of an explanation is needed, but still, read THIS for the back story: Twitter? I Hardly Knew Her.

Some additional favorites from Twitter Pals:
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