One afternoon, my boy nonchalantly relayed this story to me:
Child X is playing a game on his laptop, and Children A and B are oohing and aahing over his shoulder. My curious son joins in to watch, but Child X covers his screen and says:
"You can't watch me play. Go away."
OUCH! My bully radar soared to red alert; my fangs and talons were itching to strike. Yet, I tried to remain calm and rational. I took a breath, and reminded myself that things aren't always what they seem.
I probed a bit: What EXACTLY happened...How did that make you feel...What did your friends do/say...Why do you think he said that...Who the hell is this rotten kid anyway?
At this point, I started to get a bunch of
I don't remembers followed by a
Can I please just play my game now.
Between you and me, let's just agree that kids aren't so smart. How could they be? They're uneducated, totally inexperienced, and have underdeveloped, unseasoned brains with absolutely no context for their thoughts. Now, pair that fact with the idea that a number of children with autism - as well as some other neurological conditions and learning disorders - struggle with
"generalization."
Generalization, as I've come to understand, is the ability to apply something you've learned across settings, circumstances and situations. A common example is: You teach a kid not to cross the street alone. Does the child understand that lesson applies to all streets or just THAT particular spot on THAT particular street? It's an extraordinarily different way of thinking.
You know what makes generalization even more challenging? Rules. Especially rules with exceptions or inexplicable, social expectations. So now, you tell him, go ahead and cross that street when the light changes. Or at the crosswalk. Or if you look both ways. Or if there's a guy wearing a yellow hat waving you over. OH MY GAH, it's so confusing!
With that mindset, a kid so easily could "disobey," get it wrong, or just meltdown at the thought of trying to keep up with all these street-crossing regulations.
How revealing it can be when children actually explain their unorthodox behavior - which, often, seems completely rational and logical in their own minds.
For example, it was driving me batty that my OCD-stricken son's hands always were wet. He was struggling with classic germ phobia, and was washing them A LOT. (I'm pretty sure patterns and rituals were involved, but he's stealthy about that.) Of course, I assumed he simply forgot to dry his dripping hands. When yelling didn't fix that, I then got him to agree that it was because he didn't think the towels were clean enough (I get that), so I fancied up his bathroom and mucked up the environment with disposable hand towels. He
still dripped all over the place.
Finally, when the lights were low and the mood was right, he explained that, since our treatment plan involved restricting hand-washing, as well as limited discussing and reassuring him of cleanliness, he prefers to keep them wet because then he is sufficiently reassured that they are clean. Oooooooooh, of course.
Similarly, my friend over at Snagglebox (who just wrote a fantastic post about literal thinking) shared this anecdote:
My son tells me that he finds playing tag stressful because, "When you touch somebody else to make them 'it', technically the energy is bouncing back and forth between your bodies as you touch. So how do you know who is actually 'it' when you let go?"
Guess who probably avoids playing tag...and imagine how this would play out if he couldn't explain himself.
Does your child also suffer from "perceived injustices" (a term I borrowed from my friend at Try Defying Gravity)?
My son once spent a year snubbing a really, sweet kid (who had absolutely no idea he was being snubbed, mind you) for something quite innocent he said that my son found hurtful. He told me about it years later. And this is my verbal child!
My daughter is required to navigate the world without the ability to express herself or explain her behaviors.
We were having lunch at a particular friend's house last week for the first time in several years. My autistic daughter went all Taz
on us - screaming, running around like a whirling dervish, and repeatedly asking for dessert. (I was reminded why we don't have lunch at friends' houses more often!)
However, using my parental telepathy, I finally figured out what was going on. Last time when we were at this home - maybe 3 years ago - she was served a particular cookie. Clearly, she wanted/expected that same cookie to be served again. Because - in her orderly brain that seems so chaotic to the rest of us - that's the pattern established in her memory. This house = delicious cookie dessert. That's the rule. Unfortunately, others probably just see an out-of-control kid.
Now, let's circle back to the brat bullying my son. You'll never believe what really happened. Miraculously, my little talk with my son paid off. He returned to school, and somehow "discussed" the situation with Child A and Child B. Together, they approached Child X, who apparently meant no ill will. He was simply following
THE RULES.
What he said: "You can't watch me play. Go away."
What his mother had told him: "Don't let anyone
you don't know use your computer or watch you work on it."
Child X (in another class) already knew Child A and Child B. He'd never formally met their other classmate - my son.
Oooooooooh, of course. See? Things aren't always what they seem.
