Red-Light Makeover (as in traffic lights, not the other, much more exciting kind. You're barking up the wrong blog, buddy.)

I have - in various stages of my former life - read and even subscribed to glossy, girly-girl magazines including Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Allure, Vogue and Marie Claire (I'm still anonymous, right?). As you can imagine, I was well-versed in the art of looking my best self: the differences, nuances and proper usage of primer, toner, foundation, powder, concealer, moisturizer, bronzer and so on.

I've really never had the patience to apply all that on myself, but I rarely would leave the house without lipstick, mascara and at least a clear coat of polish on my nails. I mean, I had standards. Not so much anymore.

These days, if I have a moment to page through those types of magazines (usually in a therapist's waiting room), the following thoughts run through my head: 

• Do I still even have nail polish? Oh right, I have those globby, sticky bottles that have been under the sink for 3 years or so. And also that atrocity we put on my daughter - bubble gum pink with glitter, sparkles and maybe even confetti. I wonder...
• Great dress. If only I had the life for it.
• My hair could do that if I was brave enough to use my awesome flattening iron - but a trip to the emergency room would follow because without question one of my children would intentionally or unintentionally (depends which kid) scorch themselves. Oh well.

And finally:

• All of this takes too damn long. I need to write up my tried and tested makeup application process for real-life moms like me (bless your hearts). So here it is:

Red-Light Makeover for Whac-A-Mole Moms 

***DVD release TBA

SETUP AND SUPPLIES
IMPORTANT: Check that your shoes match BEFORE you leave home. Everything else can be done en route. Unfortunately, if you are still wearing slippers or your tights are navy and not black - you're on your own. (Fine - stop at Target on the way. Been there; done that.)

• All makeup supplies must remain in your car. Center consoles of minivans work perfectly. If a particular item is running low, fish around under the back seat to locate a replacement.
• Eyelash curlers, eyeliner and multiple layers of makeup...who are you kidding?
• Tweezers, however, are a necessity. Because, trust me, you will never see more strays than in your car's lighted visor mirror. If this doesn't bother you or all you see is perfection...you go, girl! However, since my haircuts and eyebrow waxing are on an emergency-basis only, some slight maintenance the other 6-12 months is advised.
• Multipurpose makeup sticks are your best friend. Find a brand you like, find a color you love (me - NARS the Multiple in Malibu) and don't look back. This one is worth the splurge.
• I love "smart shade" type foundations.You know, the ones that supposedly change color on your face. They barely do anything, but that means fewer, unacceptable makeup lines. If you're splattering foundation on while driving, you'll definitely want something with minimal attention required. Restock those baby wipes in the car to clean your hands off  - before and after application, please. I don't want your face cream on me when we shake hands, thank you very much.
• Summer can be tricky because sandals require well-groomed toes. Select closed-toe shoes to skip this step. Peep-toe shoes also work because you just need to polish 1 to 2 1/2 toenails on each foot; why waste time on the others? Nail polish pens rock the car makeover!

SAFETY RULES

• Do NOT do any of this while your car is actually in motion - no matter how late you are. Be smart. You will look a lot less pretty if you crash. It will be horrifying, stupid and really, really embarrassing. But feel free to take the long way - and definitely avoid highways (no traffic lights).
• Multitasking is great, but you still need to keep an eye on the light and other cars. Do not overdo it by texting, drinking hot coffee or talking to your boss while applying your makeup at stops. I mean, we all know it can be done, but it can't be good.
• Don't let your child see you do any of this or you will deeply regret it when they are learning to drive and follow your example (and call you on your bad behavior when you yell at them to stop).
• Disclaimer: I can't help much with your hair. I know I've left the house more than once without looking in the mirror. A supply of hair elastics in the car is critical! (True story - once I actually flat-ironed my hair in the car before a work event...using my minivan's handy, AC inverter. NO, NOT WHILE DRIVING, YOU NUT! Seriously, where would you even get such an idea?)

STEP-BY-STEP INSTRUCTIONS

• Prioritize. Where are you going and how much time do you have? How many lights are there? Is the parking lot at your destination private enough to finish the job? If you're meeting a client, don't let them see you applying mascara in the parking lot...it's just tacky. Au naturale is better.
• First light: Base. Start with the smart-shade foundation or a light powder - nothing clumpy. Important step for me because lack of sleep since 2001 has resulted in perma-splotchy skin and under-eye circles. Yuck.
• Next light: Lipstick. This one's important. Shade should be light enough that it won't stain and is easy to apply. I recently read about some new, clear lip-liners on the market. Brilliant. Must remember to grab one next time I'm at the pharmacy (always).
• Next light: Mascara. You know what to do - but you only get one try and one coat. That's all the time you have! (You might also have to tweeze now, if you're like me and noticed some annoying rebellious eyebrow hairs).
• Next light: Check your work including your teeth to be sure your lipstick didn't end up there. Remember to check hair for stray cereal flakes (in a crunch, that moisturizing cream that you bought a year ago but never brought in the house can double as hair gloss). 

And you're done. You look mah-velous. Or at least good enough for that IEP meeting.

What have YOU done on the road that you never before imagined you would? Looking forward to funny stories and more tips from my fellow red-light beauties. Please enter them below!

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