School Rant

Occasionally I can be eloquent. I don't anticipate that happening in this particular post. I'm really, really angry. The topic - and any parent of a child with "additional" needs already has had this conversation many times - is school.

When I was growing up, we simply went to school - whether it was a public school or a private school of your family's choice. You started there, and you finished there. If you had learning,  social or any issues at all, they probably were ignored, overlooked, undiagnosed or punished. And somehow, most of us managed to graduate high school and beyond. I'm not saying this was a good thing, but it seemed to work for lots of folks.

Fast forward and you'll find my family. Two kids under 11 that have not once left this county - and they are alum of no fewer than 8 school between them...and counting.

In my circle, we take school year by year. We switch schools for various reasons, whether it be evolving diagnoses/needs, school policy/leadership changes, etc. Sometimes it's because a parent has unrealistic expectations. (I received a huge compliment yesterday when another special needs mom pointed out that she thinks the two of us are pretty in touch with reality when it comes to our kids...many parents aren't. Are you?)

I admit public school is the one fight I haven't pursued, despite a few false starts. Scary tales of IEPs and abuse of nonverbal children keep me up at night. It doesn't help when I have to endure hours of redundant evaluations at ridiculous locations across the city...or I find a school situation/teacher I like, only to be told that nobody knows which school will house the "autism classroom" come Fall, let alone who will teach it. Even thinking about it is exhausting!

I am tempted to just pretend we are a typical family, and register my child to show up the first day of class just like anyone else. Hello 3rd grade, meet your nemesis. Bet that would result in some quick action!

Anyway, to get to the point here, school placement is hard. Inclusion is great, but only if other kids are decent and co-teaching is flawless. It never is. Self-contained can work, but only if those co-contained are a good match. I don't even know what I want to fight for!

So I've become a big fan of niche schools - those that know what they can do and do it well. (Of course there aren't enough of these and they never have enough room, but that's another story.)  These days, it's amusing to watch parents fight and compete to get their children into the "right" school - not the elite, college prep school that prefers legacy families with big pockets...but the LD school that takes "high-functioning" kids that might actually educate our children and not just stick them on a trampoline all day.

I am quite fortunate to have a support system of friends with kids on the spectrum, like mine (some would say this is a gift brought to me through autism). So when one of their kids is accepted and succeeds at a school of their choice, we celebrate. It gives me hope for my child. She's not ready now, but someday perhaps.

But when one of those kids - who I've always considered much more school-friendly than mine - gets literally kicked out of school, it's a huge blow for all of us. Really, SCHOOL, what do you expect from these kids? These are not teenagers...these are babies under 10 years old...teach them! We don't lie about their issues because we know that doesn't help anyone. So if you accept them, ACCEPT THEM.

On the same day, I spoke to another friend whose kid is sooooo much more "high-functioning" than mine who also can't find a satisfactory school placement. He's even been mainstreamed in a few places. He too was rejected from some of my back-up schools! It's so depressing.

We are finding programs that are either so dumbed-down for "lower-functioning" kids (aka passive kids) or, alternatively, stronger academically for "higher-functioning" kids but not capable of handling any behavioral issue. Or they weed you out by verbal vs. nonverbal. So what about my kid who is verbal through ASL or an iPad and needs facilitation? Is that less or more desirable to you than a child who is "verbal" but completely inappropriately, or completely echolalia-like (just made that word up I think)? You want to teach "social skills" but don't want the accompanying behaviors a child who needs this help might also have, resulting from frustration or perseveration? I wish I could pick cherry-pick my kid's high-functioning/low-functioning behavior/skills mix too, but that's not how it works!

I have paid a lot of money to a lot of schools. I have spent a lot of time filling out a lot of paperwork. I know it's hard, and I do not have the answers, but I just want a school that will not overestimate OR underestimate my child. And I don't want that school to be at my kitchen table!

P.S. Please, for God's sake, don't blame her (or me) when she runs out the door after you keep it wide open. I told you she would! Let's teach her together.


END RANT.

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