How Old Is She?

The question seems innocent enough, right? Not even close. See, when it comes to a giant, 7-year-old nonverbal child with autism, it’s a loaded question. In fact, depending on the inquisitor and tone, it’s like the word “set” (which possesses the most definitions/uses in the English language - rumored to be in the 400s!).

So, allow me to help translate it for you, since I imagine you won't find these definitions on Wikipedia.

HOW OLD IS SHE? (Tone: gentle, kind): I know she has autism because I recognize it. I am asking her age because I am empathetic and sensitive. I’m hoping you will volunteer the information so I can tell you all about my sister’s/cousin’s/neighbor’s kid with autism. I might offer you a hopeful message or simply a knowing, supportive smile.

HOW OLD IS SHE? (Tone: sweet, cloyingly sympathetic):  I can tell something is wrong with your child. She is not acting anywhere close to her age. I’m slightly nosy and want to appear friendly. I will smile pitifully at you and probably follow up with something like “bless her heart."

HOW OLD IS SHE? (Tone: rushed, alarmed):  I have (or am very close to) a child with special needs, and I am comparing our children. In an instant, I have assessed whether yours is older/younger than mine...yours is speaking better/worse than mine...yours is higher/lower functioning than mine. This comparison is not at all like the competitive nature of suburban, prep-school playgrounds. It’s more about survival, hope and support. Occasionally, resource ideas and therapists’ names will be swapped.

HOW OLD IS SHE? (Tone: stern, accusing):  I have no idea what you’ll answer but it doesn’t even matter. She is way too old to be acting this way. I’m not really interested in hearing an explanation for her behavior. She’s bothering me somehow, and you should take her out of here. Have you no shame, lady? Just stay home if you can't handle your child.

HOW OLD IS SHE? (Tone: bright; speaker has child of similar age): Are our kids the same age? Will they be in the same class? I embrace and support inclusion...just not in my own daughter's classroom. Oh, I’ll say all the right things and use this as a teachable moment for my children, but in the back of my mind, I foresee that brat ruining my little dumpling's Hannah Montana birthday party. And I just KNOW that you ate too much tuna fish or drank too much while you were pregnant. Really, I’m just relieved that we escaped that statistic and you got the 1 in 88 instead.

***

There are many more. Perhaps one of my supportive readers will add to this list.

Meanwhile, for my sister mothers, I will share one last interpretation of this question which I learned only a few days ago. This scenario is a rare but exciting one. Last week I was asked the same, old question, but in a tone I’ve never heard before. It was like someone speaking in a foreign language. Here’s what happened.

Lady (Tone: casual, hopeful; Setting: store of some kind): HOW OLD IS SHE?

Me  (suspicious, unsure): 7

Lady (holding up two outfits): “Oh good. I'm buying a present for my granddaughter and thought they might be about the same age.”

(Addressing my daughter) “Which one would you like better?”

We were BOTH speechless this time. I explained to the lady that my dear, little girl doesn’t talk and doesn't really share the same interests as others her age...but still I repeated the question for her…and she pointed at one of the outfits (the uglier, more ostentatious one, of course). The lady thanked us sweetly and walked away.

I remained in place, somewhat flabbergasted but delighted that someone considered my daughter to be a typical peer of her age group. Best question ever!

***FOOTNOTE: Please don't EVER ask me “WHAT GRADE IS SHE IN?” There’s only one definition to that one: You are utterly clueless...(not to mention that I have absolutely no idea).

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